My boyfriend just finished up a nine month stint in federal prison and I went down to get him a couple of Fridays ago.
I didn’t even believe he was really coming home until I saw him walking towards me in the lobby, accompanied by a guard.
When we started driving down the highway together, holding hands, and breezing along at 70 miles an hour (that’s the speed limit there, people, I wasn’t speeding after retrieving my guy from prison!) it felt like total freedom.
I kept saying, “Wow! How much fun are we having??”
It felt amazing.
But as we wended our way through the next few days, truck shopping for him, getting up super early to go check in an hour away with his probation officer, who it turned out wasn’t in the office, and trying to set up our new life together, it got really hard.
I mean, we’d dated for two months before he went away, and now we were suddenly living together. In a house he was going to be renovating, so “living” is a glamorous description of the camping out with a hotplate we were actually doing.
By Tuesday morning I was ready to break up with him.
So much of my old relationship shit was coming up and it’s hard to say who started it (I’m sure it was his fault!), or, more objectively I could say that it’s hard to say where it began, but my shit triggered his, and back and forth we went.
Until we took a stand to do things differently.
And that process – of things breaking down, both of us acting out like crazy, and then taking a stand to do things differently – has led to some excitingly cool reveals.
1. Fierce truth-telling is always the way to go.
Tuesday morning sounded like this:
Me: (walking into kitchen where he was sitting with his coffee, while I feeling absolutely pissed off and done with everything) This isn’t working. I want to move back home and maybe date you.
Me: (holy shit I can’t believe I just up and said that)
Then a totally open conversation about where we were getting tripped up.
How it really feels to come home from prison.
What it really feels like to receive a man home from prison.
What kind of relationship we want to have – and what it’s going to take for us to actually make it happen.
“Honesty” it turns out is like being “nice”. It’s not real, it’s a social construct and it leads to falseness, hurt, and a lot of excessive holding forth and speaking bullshit.
But truth-telling? It is absolutely fucking liberating.
Me walking into the kitchen on Tuesday morning and saying what I did opened up a conversation that we’re still having, and that keeps getting more interesting and creating more connection.
Plus it’s fun.
Speaking your the truth in an atmosphere where truth-telling is a turn-on for both people is absolutely fucking amazing!
Because then you get to discover the heart of what’s really operating beneath the surface, to stop living superficially, and live from a place of depth and soul, instead – and it’s absolutely riveting.
If you’re not telling the truth in your life (at least to yourself!) start today. It will open up feelings of fulfillment and self-knowing and connection that you’ll realize is why you’re even here in this lifetime in the first place.
And that is an awesome reveal.
You’ll find your place and your purpose in the world.
And then you don’t have to worry that you’re missing the point of life, or that life is passing you by.
And don’t you desire exactly that?
2. Our family shit is really strong and will keep coming back to haunt us until we really and truly take it on.
I noticed my old “what’s the point of it all” defeatist energy coming up as we slogged through our first weeks back together. And my man had his own family patterns becoming more and more obvious, which was highlighted when everyone came home for a barbecue to welcome him back.
As we delved into what the spiritual messages were for us, untangling our family patterns was one piece that came to the fore.
Because I’ve done a crazy amount of work exploring my family stuff, it wasn’t a matter of finding out what it was, but more taking a stand as to whether or not I would be continuing to live as if it’s true – or to live differently. Not easy to do when you’re in the thick of it and it feels entirely real.
But what if all the negative feelings you habitually feel, and all your bad habits, and terrible, catastrophic & mean thinking that you do … isn’t the real you??
What if you could unburden yourself of all that old baggage, and free up your soul to express itself?
And maybe even free up your family at the same time??
What would be possible for you?
3. Our spiritual beliefs are strong and completely run the show.
We are all standing on an inner bedrock of beliefs about the way life works, and how things are.
But if we’re not aware of what we believe – or if what we believe is disenfranchising, our lives will feel awful.
We’ll feel like victims, totally helpless, and wonder why we keep hitting the same walls. Why our lives seem to be made up of the same scenario (and not a good one) on repeat.
I’ve done a relentless amount of work on uncovering my old, stale rules – and replacing the limiting beliefs I lived from the first 40 years of my life with beliefs that actually buoy me up, support and encourage me, and get new things happening.
These past few weeks have highlighted how hugely necessary it is to do that work.
Even in the midst of the upheaval and confusion, I could always find my way back to an inner safe haven where I felt calm, grounded, joyful. That wouldnever have happened a few years ago.
When the shit hits the fan, if you don’t have the right foundation, you’ll feel like you’re drowning. Lost. Confused. Bitter. Stuck.
If this is you right now, consider that you might be getting run by some old rules and beliefs – and that you can change them so you feel super empowered again. No matter what is happening in your life or in the world.
When I was able to remind myself of what I know to be true (that I am a creative, resourceful spiritual being who is led by my soul desires, which will always lead me to my fullest & best life) I felt just fine – regardless of how tough things simultaneously felt in my relationship.
Where are you believing something that’s actually fucking you up?
Can you articulate the belief that is dictating how you feel?
How can you change it? What would changing it do for you?
Life is a wild ride. Sometimes it’s easy to look around and think everyone has it easier or is doing a better job of it. Or to dismiss your desire for something richer, smoother (I’m drinking Bulletproof coffee as I write this, so I may be getting influenced by this fabulous mouth feel!).
But you know what I mean, right? You crave a life that is fully you, but sometimes you dismiss this desire as “too much” or “impossible”.
But what if that very desire is a sign post, pointing you in the direction of your right life?